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by velutluna_ithil



Category: NCIS: Los Angeles
Genre: Angst, Confessions, Drama & Romance, F/M, Relationship(s), Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-24
Updated: 2015-03-02
Packaged: 2018-03-14 23:18:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 7,526
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3429194
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/velutluna_ithil/pseuds/velutluna_ithil
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kensi gets a late night phone call with bad news.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Annoyance

**Author's Note:**

> Spoilers for 6.16

The stark ringing of her phone woke her and she was momentarily disoriented. Right, she had fallen asleep on the couch, like she had for the past few nights. Even though she had spent nights on the couch before, this time, her avoidance of her own bed had a different reason. Kensi didn’t want to sleep there _alone._ She was annoyed at the fact that the bed already had “sides”, a Deeks side and a Kensi side. She was annoyed that it hadn’t taken much time at all for _her_ bed to become _their_ bed. She was annoyed at the ringing cell on the table and at her aching back. But above all, she was annoyed at Deeks.

He hadn’t come by in over a week. He hadn’t slept there since their fight, though Kensi had assumed that was more or less in the past. They had tacitly agreed to take it slower, give themselves some space. And it had been her complaint, he had been so… _Deeks_ about meeting her friends, well, she had felt they needed a bit of room. She had played it down, made light of it during their mission but… It had hurt her. His causal dismissal of her friends, their interests, even their t-shirts. Of course, it was Deeks, but she had expected more from him. Yes, her life was primarily built around work, but the few things and people outside that were just as much a part of her. They kept her balanced. She had thought Deeks would understand that, he had so many hobbies and phases, he was such an airhead sometimes she had hardly worried about introducing him to her friends… But apparently there were still things she had to learn about him. His teasing was supposed to be annoying. It wasn’t supposed to hurt that way.

But she hadn’t had the chance to really talk with him since the night Thapa had died. She had spent most of the night awake, waiting for his call, hoping he might come over, just to talk. She realized she wanted him to open up to her. But he hadn’t. Their last intimate moment had been that night. She could still hear his words. “Your smile is perfect.” It wasn’t a compliment meant to charm her, it was honest, it was raw and it had touched her to the core. But his face… That picture tore her insides up. There was such sadness in his eyes, he seemed so earnest, almost like he was trying to memorize the lines of her face, almost like he was saying good-bye. That worried her.

It had been a good-bye of sorts; when she got to work the next day, Nell told her that Hetty had told her that he was taking some time off. Kensi had smiled and said something about understanding and that he had told her about it, but he hadn’t. Then again, he’d know that it would get to her in the morning, he was probably out surfing, working through the grief. So she put on her happy face and did her job, partnering with Nell on a small scale operation for the rest of the week.

And she began sleeping on the couch.

 He’d come back to work on Tuesday, and it was Thursday now. He hadn’t said much, which in itself was worrying. His jokes fell flat, there was no new food craze he was trying to force on everyone, his smile didn’t have any of its usual brightness. And he kept her at an arms’ length, hugging her hello the first day and then keeping everything strictly professional. Which is what they had agreed on, but Kensi was nervous that there was more behind it. But she had convinced herself to be patient. He’d talk to her when he was ready. She knew better than most that rushing was almost never helpful. But she was pissed off that she was spending all this time waiting around for him and he was just blowing her off. A little bit of anger made the anxiety a little better.

Now fully awake, she answered her phone, one ring away from disconnecting.

Her eyes glanced at the screen. 3 am. Right, it was still dark out. HQs. That couldn’t be good. She was immediately alert- a vital skill in her profession.

“This is Kensi,” she said quickly.

“Kensi, it’s Nell. You need to get to the hospital. ASAP,” the voice on the other end of the line said.

Kensi tensed, her heart clenched in preparation. “What happened? Nell? What’s going on?”

As she pulled on her jacket there was silence on the other end.

“Nell?” she said, a touch of panic in her voice.

“It’s Deeks.”


	2. Bargaining

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The team waits for news at the hospital.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, after the cliffhanger of last chapter I had to keep writing, so this update comes earlier than expected. I hope you enjoy it, and feel free to leave comments and reviews!

As she got into her car, Kensi tried to calm herself. Not that it worked. The panic that had been welling in her chest was threatening to take control of her, her hands shook at the wheel. Going against her instincts, she made herself sit still for a few moments. If she didn’t get herself under control she might cause an accident… Like Deeks. That was all Nell had told her. He’d gotten into an accident. What did that even mean? Had he crashed his car? Had someone rammed him? Was he going to be alright? So many questions and none of them had an answer.

She tried to focus. If she couldn’t be calm, she could opt for anger. Anger that he would put her through this, anger that he hadn’t called, anger that he had been avoiding her. Anger that he would leave her.

Anger was easier than pain, it took the edge off the despair she was fighting with. Her hands stopped shaking, though their grip on the wheel was deathly. She thought of what he would say. “If you die on me I’m gonna kill you.” She smiled, though it was more of a grimace. She concentrated on his voice in her head, making stupid jokes, teasing her... Anything to drown out the voice that was whispering how she’d never hear his laugh again…

 

Sam and Callen were already at the hospital, it was closer to their houses. There was compassion and something akin to pity in their eyes. She ignored it.

“How is he?” she demanded.

The two men shared a look, then Sam said, “Kensi, you should sit-“

“Damnit Sam! Tell me how he’s doing?” she nearly shouted, catching herself last second. Still, a few people glanced at her. “Screw them,” she thought.

“Not great, Kens,” Callen said. No nonsense from him. Kensi was grateful for his candor. “All we know is that he was in an accident, a cop at the scene recognized him and called NCIS.”

For a brief second she wondered who his emergency contact was, her or Hetty or someone else? But then her agent instincts took over.

“Do we know who did this? Was there another car involved? Was it really an accident?” The questions rushed out of her.

“There was no one else at the scene. Someone from the bar across the street called it in,” a voice behind her said. Nell.

What had he been doing out and about at 3am? Had he been drinking? For every answer she got new questions surfaced. Why hadn’t she been with him, whatever he was doing? She wanted to yell at him, right after she kissed him senseless. What if she could never kiss him again?

At that thought a shudder racked through her body. Sam took her arm and made her sit down. Nell sat next to her, touched her arm.

The anger that had kept Kensi going drained from her. The silence in the waiting room was oppressive, all the fear and uncertainty choking her. “Please, please, please… Let him be alright. You can’t take him away from me… Not now… Not after everything…” she begged in her head to some – any – higher power. They had survived so much; Iraq and terrorist attacks and spies and bombs… Now they were finally together and then this. First the fight and all the sudden emotional distance and now some random car accident was threatening to take him away from her forever. She couldn’t allow it, she wouldn’t let it happen. But even as she rebelled she knew that there was nothing she could do.

Hetty walked into the room, causing Kensi to look up. At least in Hetty’s eyes there was no pity. Heady’s eyes seemed to take her in and Kensi instantly felt stronger. Hetty nodded in approval. “Pain is not weakness,” her eyes seemed to say. Kensi held fast to that. She needed to be strong. Deeks would need her to be on her game, especially if this wasn’t an accident. He would want her to be strong, brave. Grief could wait. Had to wait.

The door from the OR opened and a tall doctor in scrubs came out. “For Marty Deeks?” she asked, removing her mask and looking at the small collection of people. “Yes, we are,” Hetty answered for them. “What can you tell us?”

The doctor paused for a moment. Kensi had to keep herself from shaking the woman. “He’s stable. The wounds were not as severe as expected, though they might have been problematic if he had been found later…” The doctor continued explaining what injuries he had sustained, but Kensi hardly heard her. He was alive. He would be fine. The weight crushing her chest slowly lifted, her breathing returned to normal.

“When can I see him?” she interrupted, then mentally berated herself. Sure, the team knew about them, but she didn’t want to push it at them. Then she decided she didn’t care. He was her partner, in more ways than one.

The doctor considered her request for a moment. “He probably won’t wake up for another few hours. He was under some heavy anesthesia.” At Kensi’s fierce expression she added “But one of  you could go sit with him, if you’d like.”

For a moment Kensi was worried that Heady would refuse to let her go, or go herself. But when she met the smaller woman’s eyes they were tender- right before they flickered back to their default: strong. “Go in, Agent Blye. We’ll be out here.”

Kensi let her gratefulness flash across her face before the doctor escorted her out of the waiting area.

 

Kensi slowly opened the door to his room. He had a single room, close to the nurse’s station, but not in ICU. She was thankful for that. It was an added reassurance that he was really going to be alright. When she saw him in the bed, with his head bandaged and his arm in a cast she had to supress a sob. He might be alright but he looked like hell. She knew the kind of pain he must have gone through and it tore at her heart.

She bit her lip. She had come so close to losing him and even now she couldn’t let go of her fear. Not only for his life, but also for their life together. Would he recover only to say that it was over? Was his recent distant behavior a prelude to a final good-bye?

She sat down in the chair next to his bed and grasped his hand. In her mind, she was bargaining again. The plea was the same. “Please, please, please… Don’t leave me…”


	3. Remembering

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Deeks tries to figure out what is going on.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please leave a comment if you enjoyed this, I love hearing from you (also makes me write faster!).

“What the hell happened?” he thought to himself. The beeping noise that begun pulling him out of his deep sleep was _super_ annoying. Where was he? He remembered thinking that the three beers he had were just scratching the limit of legal, but that he was fine. A cop drunk driving was sadly not as uncommon as one would hope, especially not in L. A., but he would never do that. Not even at 2am on a school night. He knew the risks and he didn’t  play around with other people’s lives like that (though he was sometimes less than cautious about his own).

Deeks remembered leaving the bar, a “thank you” wave from the bartender whom he had tipped handsomely and then the fresh night air, eradicating the cloying scent of women’s perfume and stale smoke. He knew he shouldn’t have been out, he had work in the morning and you didn’t stand in front of Hetty with a hangover. So he didn’t drink much, but it was still late. But he rationalized that he wouldn’t have gotten any sleep at home either.

Insomnia. It had been plaguing him ever since Thapa’s death. They might not have seen eye-to-eye on many issues, but he had grown to value the Gerkha, his abilities and his wisdom. Sure, Thapa had also been the one to caution him away from Kensi back months ago… But Deeks still wasn’t sure that that advice had really been bad. When Thapa had acted surprised at their relationship’s rapid progression it only worsened his fears. Were they going to fast? All the life and death situations in their line of work made it seem silly to wait, but their last fight had taken its toll on Deeks. He had tried to mask his discomfort with jokes (not that that was anything new), but that had made Kensi even more angry. Which in turn made him wonder if maybe they weren’t ready, if he wasn’t ready, not for the kind of honesty and openness a relationship needed. She deserved more. Kensi deserved someone who could keep up with her, who would appreciate her friends, who could support her, who would be able to talk about problems with her. Sure, he could make her laugh, but half- no, two thirds of the time it was an exasperated, “I can’t even” kind of laugh. She deserved more. More than him.

He wished he had come to that realization long ago, in one of their many “off” phases. Before Christmas, at least. Because now he knew exactly what it was like to fall asleep with her in his arms, to wake up to her kisses, to have her brightening his life all day long. He knew what he had to give up and that made the pain almost unbearable. He realized that he might have to go back to the LAPD. He knew that there was a chance they wouldn’t be able to keep working together, that they had gone too far to go back to “just” being partners. But he’d do it. For her.

 

But he had still needed to see her smile, the special one he treasured so much, one last time. Her smile was perfection. He wanted to etch that memory into his brain, save it for the rest of his life. One smile not marred by the disappointment he knew would be there once he told her. He knew he had to, sooner rather than later, but he’d chickened out. He’d taken time off work, he’d gone surfing (which was not nearly as calming as it used to be), he’d gotten drunk (which was never as satisfying as he thought), he’d stared at the phone for hours (which was nearly as bad as some of the torture he’d experienced).

He’d gone back to work on Tuesday, at Hetty’s request (as far as that woman ever _requested_ anything). He had managed to keep his distance, but he couldn’t have _the talk_ , not yet. He soaked in every moment, but he knew it couldn’t last. Already, Sam had gotten a concerned look in his eye and Callen hadn’t been ribbing him nearly enough. If they could tell something was up than so could Kensi.

Part of the reason he’d gone out on Thursday was to deal with the time till he told her. He couldn’t put it off any longer, so he decided that Friday, after work, he’d tell her, straight out, that they couldn’t be together. He knew that she’d want an explanation, so he tried to figure out how to be honest without getting into the messy details of his love for her. If he didn’t love her so much he might have been able to be selfish enough to keep it going. But he wanted what was best for her, and it wasn’t him. He also didn’t want to tell her that, that would eliminate any possibility of them working together. He knew that she wouldn’t know what to do with the knowledge that he loved her, it would make her uncomfortable and he wanted to spare her that. What exactly he _was_ going to tell her he hadn’t figured out.

He also hadn’t figured out where he was. He’d gotten into his car and then? Vaguely, he remembered something white in front of his car… A cat? No, too small… A dog? Yeah, that must have been it. Of course, he couldn’t hit a dog, no way. So he’d swerved… It all came rushing back to him. He’d been going pretty fast and then in a split second he’d reacted to the dog running across the road. There wasn’t time for a thought, he simply ripped the steering wheel around and then… Pain. Darkness.

An accident. Damnit. He couldn’t believe he’d gotten into an accident, because of a dog (was the dog okay?). All the stuff he’d been through and he was in the hospital because of some stray (he recognized the beeping sound now). He tried to recall if he had been wearing a seatbelt, but was worried that he hadn’t been. “Stupid, stupid, stupid,” he thought to himself. With the pain killers slowly wearing off, he could feel the bits of his body that were not doing well, to put it lightly. His arm was immobile and his head ached like the devil. And there was pressure on his hand. Not heavy pressure but not normal either. And it felt wet. That didn’t make sense.

Slowly, he opened his eyes, the hospital room bright and blurry. He knew better than to turn his head, even opening his eyes had made him nauseous. His eyes tried to focus on his left hand, but he couldn’t see it. Because it was being clutched by Kensi’s hands, her face bent over it, her breathing regular on his skin.

His heart ached as it beat quicker. She was here. She had come. Of course she had come, he chided himself. She didn’t hate him yet. He winced at his own use of the word. Could he live in a world without Kensi Blye?

She started as she felt the tremor rack his body and a low moan escape his lips. She stared up at him, the tears pooling in her eyes.

He felt his heart break at that look. He didn’t want to cause her pain. But he was going to have to. Not right this moment. No, he wanted one last unspoiled moment.

“Hiya, Kens,” he rasped.


	4. Lies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Deeks wakes up, but that isn't only good news...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please leave comments, I love to hear from you! Hope you *enjoy* this.

Her eyes took in his face hungrily. Whoever, whatever was out there had listened to her. He was here, he was safe. She could feel the tears on her cheeks but didn’t care, for once she didn’t care about being strong. She was too glad he was alive and awake to worry about showing weakness. If she couldn’t cry when the man she loved survived an accident, when could she? That thought wiped the exuberant smile off her face. She loved him. She, Agent Kensi Blye, loved the surfer boy with the ridiculous hair cut and carefree attitude and dubious taste in food.

She did. Last night and the silence leading up to it taught her that. Nothing had hurt as badly as the pain she felt when she knew he was hurt, she had never been more scared. She thought that the idea of loving him would be crazy and frightening, but it wasn’t. It felt right.

 

Deeks saw the strange play of emotions on Kensi’s face and realized that he wouldn’t get as much time with her as he wanted. She was also going to put up a fight. He didn’t want to do this lying in bed with a cast on his arm, but he also couldn’t have her sitting there, caring for him when he knew it couldn’t last. He thought of that one saying, something about a clean break, and knew that was what they both needed.

He ran his tongue across his dry lips, hoping his raw throat would let him finish what he needed to do. But before he could say a word, Kensi stood up.

“I’m so glad you’re alright, god, you had us all so worried! I, I should go tell the others. I’ll be right back, okay?” She said, not waiting for his answer before walking out the door.

She had seen something in his eyes. The same thing she had seen the night Thapa died. And she couldn’t figure out what it was, but it scared her. So instead of facing whatever was waiting for her, she went out to the waiting room. Nell was asleep, her head on Eric’s lap, who was nervously doing a Rubrick’s cube. He must have come early that morning. Callen eyes opened as she entered the room, she knew he hadn’t been sleeping, just conserving energy. Hetty came in from another door, tucking her phone away.

“He’s awake,” Kensi said, noticing her breathlessness with a cringe. Eric woke Nell up and the two analysts and Hetty went in to see him. Callen stayed behind with Kensi. “Sam’s on his way, Michelle needed him back at home.” Kensi nodded. She had thought as much when she hadn’t seen him in the room. He wouldn’t have left otherwise, he cared for Deeks as much as any of them, maybe even more, despite his teasing. Any reservations he might have had before disappeared when Deeks withstood severe torture to save Michelle. Deeks was one of them.

 

The doctor ushered Nell and Eric out after a while, saying the patient still needed his rest. Hetty left exactly when she decided to leave (no one ushered her out of a room). Deeks had been glad to see them, though Sam had a few stern words to say to him regarding his driving skills and his love of dogs. Callen had only said a few words, but Deeks appreciated them. He was touched by his friends’ loyalty and stamina, staying overnight in the uncomfortable hospital chairs, but all he really wanted was to see Kensi. She was remarkably absent from his side, though he saw her talking to Hetty in the hall. Was she avoiding him? He just wanted to get it over with. He was in pain on the outside, he might as well indulge in the pain on the inside as well. However, when a nurse came in with an infusion of new pain meds, he knew that he’d not have to focus on any pain for a few more hours, and drifted off to sleep.

 

When he awoke, Kensi was sitting across from his bed, reading a book. His throat was parched and he coughed. She looked up, startled, then came over and held out a plastic cup with a straw.

“Here, drink something.” She waited for some joke about baby cups or being an invalid, but nothing came.

“Thanks,” he said, his voice stronger than in the morning. He looked up at her. She was so beautiful. His left fist clenched. He could do this.

Kensi watched the change come over him, but this time, she didn’t run. Whatever was going on, she wanted to face it head on.

“We need to… talk,” he said.

“Are you sure you’re up for talking?” she said, trying to infuse her voice with humor rather than the panic she was feeling.

“Probably not,” he agreed begrudgingly. “But we need to anyway.”

Her breath hitched. She had broken up with enough people over the years to recognize the situation. But why? What had she done wrong?

“Okay, fine.” Her voice was hard. The time for weakness was over, she tried to convince herself.

“We… umm… Look, this isn’t going to work. You and me. With work and everything and…” he paused.

Screwing strength, she interrupted, “We agreed we would make sure work wasn’t an issue. We talked about this!”

He closed his eyes briefly. Of course work wasn’t the reason. And of course she was too brilliant to let him get by with a feeble excuse like that. He had hoped she’d just take the next best way out, it was the least painful. But she was a fighter.

“Okay… Work isn’t really the problem…” He took a deep breath. “We’re too different, we don’t like the same things, I mean, just because we’re partners doesn’t mean we are meant for each other. We might work well together, but when it’s not about taking down a bad guy we’re just not… compatible. I mean, look at me and your friends. We don’t have anything in common, Kensi, we’re just used to each other…” he rambled. He couldn’t believe the things that were coming out of his mouth. He hated twisting the truth around; there would never be another woman like Kensi Blye, no one better for him. But it was about giving her what she deserved. And that was more than him.

Kensi stood next to his bed in silence. He couldn’t mean all those things, could he? Did he really believe their relationship was a mistake? That they weren’t good together? No, he couldn’t. They’d both spent so much time mulling over their relationship, he would have known earlier.

Deeks could read his partner like a book, at least most of the time. And right now, he saw that she didn’t believe him. Crap. She _needed_ to believe him. Needed to get out of this now. And so he told the most horrific lie of his life.

“I… I just don’t think you’re right for me… Sorry,” he said, forcing out a crooked smile, as if to say “hey, maybe the next guy will want you, no hard feelings”. He heard Kensi’s quiet gasp and forced himself to be quiet. Then he made the mistake of looking into her face. The rejection was written plainly on her face, before it was masked by indifference. But he had seen it and it cut him to the core as it simultaneously filled him with self-disgust. He had hurt the most important person in his life, the reasons hardly mattered, all that mattered was that he was the reason she was in pain. But he knew he couldn’t say anything. She should hate him. It would make it easier.

“I see,” she said. She left his side and grabbed her bag, unwilling to stay with him a moment longer. Hand on the door knob, she turned back briefly. “You couldn’t have figured that out months ago?” she  asked, before leaving his room and his life.


	5. Interrogation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sam and Callen have something to tell Deeks.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoy this chapter, feel welcome to leave comments, I love hearing from you!

Deeks pushed himself off the couch and walked over to the door, wondering who would be stopping by his place. For a brief moment after the doorbell rang, he had entertained the hope that it was Kensi at his door, but reality set in with cruel clarity. She’d not be showing up here again. Not after how he had broken up with her. He morphed his face into a neutral expression before opening the door.

“Sam? Callen? What are you doing here?” He asked incredulously. Hetty had called a couple times and Eric texted him every day, but Sam and Callen had barely said anything to him in the week he’d been out of the hospital. He hadn’t been back to work, since he still needed therapy for his injuries, but he wasn’t sure he’d be going back, regardless.

“You gonna let us in?” Sam asked and Deeks made a sweeping home with his good arm.

“Mi casa es su casa,” he said, for which he got two distinct eye rolls. Apparently, his jokes were back to their normal badness.

Callen raised his eyebrows at the mess in the living room, but stayed silent. Sam, however, had no such qualms.

“You live in here? Man, this is a pig sty. You really need to take better care of your home. Is that moldy pizza?” he asked.

Deeks tried to shrug it off with a smile, but he couldn’t manage it. Really, someone complaining about the cleanliness of his house was not what he needed at all.

“So, you guys just here to complain about my house keeping skills? Or do you have something useful to say?” Deeks was shocked at the bitterness that crept into his voice. Damn.

The two agents exchanged a look that bespoke their years of work; their ability to communicate without words. Deeks and Kensi had been slowly working their way up to that kind of intense trust. His heart skipped a beat, thinking about her did that to him.

“Sit down,” Callen said and Deeks obeyed immediately. He was beginning to get worried. They looked like they meant business. Which wasn’t unusual, but he normally saw that look in the interrogation room rather than directed at him in his living room.

Callen spoke first. “What did you do to Kensi?”

Deeks coughed. What? Did Callen really just ask him that? “Nothing,” he answered, taken aback.

Sam shook his head. “Don’t play stupid, Deeks. Something is up with her and there is a 99% chance it has to do with you.”

Appreciating their interrogation abilities, Deeks realized he’d have to give them some version of events that would satify them. They unofficially knew about them being together, so now they’d have to unofficially know about them breaking up. Shouldn’t be that hard, right?

“Yeah, okay… Not that it’s any of your business but we broke up…” The words turned to ash in his mouth. The way they sounded, so callous, so careless, as if it wasn’t the hardest thing he’d ever done.

“Damnit, Deeks, of course that is our business!” Sam said, his voice louder now, intimidating.

Callen, quieter but no less frightening continued. “Kensi is a part of this team and what affects her affects all of us. Also, Kensi is a friend and it shouldn’t be surprising that we don’t take well to our friends being hurt.”

Hearing Callen talk about friends made Deeks wince. Of course, even after all the years, he was still the outsider, he was still the least capable, least important member of the team. And soon, he wouldn’t even be that anymore.

He glanced up when he felt a hand on his should. Sam was looking at him intensely.

“And by friends, we mean you too,” he said.

For a moment there was an awkard silence. Then Callen spoke again.

“Look, I have never had to have this kind of talk before, but… Watching you and Kens like this is bad. Even before your accident it was weird, but this is worse.”

“Whatever is wrong with you two, you need to work it out,” Sam said.

“I see what you’re trying to go, and thanks, guys, but there is no working this out, okay?” Deeks said.

Sam shook his head. “I’m married to a former CIA agent, you think I don’t know what I’m talking about? You guys are avoiding each other,” he cut off Deeks’ protest with a glare, “yeah, no, your injuries are just a good excuse. But… you two love each other, that’s obvious, and that means that you better work on whatever the hell is wrong or you’ll both stay miserable!”

As shocked as Deeks was by Sam’s use of the l-word, he was more shocked by the hope Sam rekindled in him. He was quick to snuff it.

“Look, Kensi might be pissed off at me now, that’s fine, but she doesn’t love me. She’ll get over it.” Pain tore through him as he said her name. Part of him wanted her to stay angry forever, if she wasn’t angry at him then there was nothing left between them.

Sam stood up. “G, you talk to him, I might just end up punching him,” he said before leaving the room.

Callen let out an exasperated sigh. “Right, because I’m good at this sort of thing,” he mumbled. Louder, he said “Deeks, I don’t know why you’re ignoring your feelings, cause even I can tell you love her. But whatever your reason is, I assume you think you’re helping her. I trust you, you’d only hurt her to save her. But you’re wrong. Really, really wrong. I’ve never seen her this bad. Not even after Afghanistan. You’ve got to tell her the truth. I don’t want to lose this team- you or her. Don’t isolate yourself, from her or us. That is a lonely road, believe me.”

Callen stood up. “Think about it, Deeks. But don’t wait too long.”

Deeks stared at the black screen of the TV. He heard the car drive off down the street. Were they right? Was he wrong to have broken up with her? His reasons seemed so important at the time, but they wouldn’t lie to him. And if Kensi was really doing so bad… He could hardly think about it. Did he really know what was best for her?


	6. Merry-go-round

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kensi deals with her feelings.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I couldn't stop writing, so these updates are coming pretty quickly, I hope you don't mind not waiting xD

_Thump. Thump. Thump._

Her fists collided with the leather, again and again. She hardly noticed the sweat dripping from her brow. Her fingers hurt, protesting the amount of force she was putting into every punch. It was a strength that came from rejection and anger and a deep, unacknowledged sadness. But she had used up her moments of weakness, wasted them on _him._

So her emotions escaped in her morning and evening training sessions. She spent hours in the gym rooms at headquarters, not wanting to be home and needing the outlet. The burn of aching muscles took her mind off her aching heart. She told herself she was just trying to become a better agent, just trying to get in shape for anything that could happen in the field, but some part of her knew that this was more than an increased work ethic. In the heat of a fight, even a simulated one, she was finally free of the thoughts of _him_.

She refused to even think his name. She knew that uttering it, even to herself, would reopen the hole she was doing her best to hold shut. It hurt, so much. When she had left his room, she had doubled over, the pain had been overwhelming. She’d rushed over to the nearest bathroom, retching in the silent, sterile stall. His silence and distance before the accident hadn’t prepared her for the gut-wrenching hurt their final conversation had evoked.

She buried the anguish, trying to relish in the anger. How could he have done this to her? All they had gone through, every trial and then he realized that she wasn’t right for him? Part of her kept telling her that it was the truth, that she wasn’t good enough for him, not nice enough, too serious, too distant… She tried to drown that voice out, but it was difficult, long forgotten insecurities crept back into her life. That was part of the reason she wasn’t at home at 8pm. She needed to prove that she was strong, independent… She didn’t need anyone.

To round off her emotional merry-go-ride, she missed her partner. Not the man she lo--- No, she missed the cop who had come to NCIS, who made light of every situation, who joked continuously, who got Sam riled up and always treated everyone with kindness. Nothing had ever gotten him down for long. She missed having him on the team. She wished he’d come back, even with his injured arm, even after he’d so thoroughly stomped on her heart, she wanted him around.

“Damn him!” she yelled, throwing her fist into the bag with renewed effort, before falling to her knees. She knew the office was empty. She could have one moment of anguish, one minute to _feel._

 

He heard her labored breathing, then her expletive. Standing in the doorway, Deeks saw her fall to her knees, heard the sob that wracked her body. She clutched her abdomen, as if the pain was physical. He cursed himself. Had he been so wrong? Had he caused this? His beautiful, strong Kensi on the floor, suffering? Could he even make this right?

 

Her own crying drowned out the uneven footsteps coming towards her. Deeks realized she hadn’t heard him and while it was the last thing he wanted to do, he stopped a few feet away from her. If his arm hadn’t been in a sling he might have risked being thrown to the ground, maybe even invited the closeness, but this was too important to be interrupted by damaging his already impaired body.

“Kens?” he whispered. He wasn’t sure if she had heard him. She didn’t turn around, instead mumering something that sounded like “no no no” to herself. He said her name again, louder.

She rose in a fluid movement, automatically taking two steps back from his voice. He winced as he saw her eyes and the blood on her knuckles. He bet she wasn’t even aware of how hard she was driving herself. For a brief moment he thought her eyes flickered with hope, but then realized he must have been mistaken; all her face showed now was cool indifference.

“What are you doing here?” she said, venom in her voice, belying her cold demeanor.

For a moment he balked. What if Sam and Callen had misunderstood? Well, then it served him right. If he wasn’t willing to be rejected he truly wasn’t worth the glorious woman in front of him.

“I came to talk to you,” he said simply. Part of him was sure she’d punch him and then leave. He was hoping he’d manage to get a few words in before that happened.

“I assumed you had said everything you wanted to say,” she answered. “I’m not sure I’m particularly interested in anything you have to say.”

He accepted her response as his due. How could he make her see that he had done a horrible thing for what he had thought were noble reasons?

“I deserve that,” he said, to which she only scoffed. “But… And I know you won’t believe me, but please hear me out.” He looked up to her, hoping for some sign that she would listen.

She wanted to leave. Seeing him was tearing her apart, his shaggy blonde hair, his startling blue eyes. But more than that she wanted to stay around him for as long as possible. If he was going to leave again then this might be the last time she’d have him to herself. So she remained where she was and gave him a miniscule nod.

“Thank you, thank you so much. Kensi… The stuff I said, at the hospital… I only said all that because I wanted you to move on. It was all a lie, I mean, there will never be a woman like you, Kensi. I can’t imagine anyone more perfect, ever.”

She shook her head. This wasn’t happening. She must have passed out. Here was her Deeks, taking back all the cruel things he’d said, making it sound like she was special, like he wanted her. This wasn’t real.

He saw the tortured look in her eyes, knew that she wasn’t hearing him, not really. He grew desperate.

“Kensi, please… I… I love you.”


	7. Home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Deeks gives an explanation and hopes for the best.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you like the ending! Please leave comments, reviews, kudos, anything at all if you enjoyed this fic!

Kensi’s eyes widened at his confession. Had Deeks just said he loved her? Or was it her traitorous mind playing tricks on her? But if he loved her, how did he explain the past weeks?

“Then why?” she asked, the pain creeping into her voice despite herself.

Deeks hesitated. It was time for the truth. She deserved his honesty, even if it was only to reject him. It would be nothing less than he deserved.

“After our fight… I was worried… We were going so fast, and it seemed to be too fast and god, the whole fight was because I was scared. I realized that you had a life outside work that I wasn’t a part of and I was jealous and then I realized that I had no right to be… And I talked with Thapa and he didn’t help… He was so surprised at how fast everything was going and… You know, it would make more sense if I had chickened out… That would be more my line, right? But the thing was, I didn’t want to go slower. I wanted more. And that scared me. It scared me that I wasn’t scared. And when you talked about more space I realized that I was so involved with myself that I hadn’t stopped to think what you need and then I was so certain that you didn’t want this… And that even if you did, if for some strange reason you actually wanted to be with me, it was wrong… You deserve someone who loves the things you do, who makes you happy and… I somehow knew that that person wasn’t me. It never has been, our whole… thing has been me causing you more and more pain… So I thought I’d make a clean break… But I couldn’t face you… So I stayed away… Until the hospital and then it just didn’t feel right to have you at my side, though I didn’t want anything as much as that. It was unfair to you. So I had to cut you loose.”

Kensi remained silent as the explanations gushed out of him. His logic was so messed up. The whole story made so little sense, it had to be true. Didn’t it? She could tell by the broken look on his face that he believed what he was saying. But if his reasons were strong enough to work against his own happiness, why was he here?

“What changed your mind?” she asked, keeping her words calm, reserved. She swore Deeks looked embarrassed before he continued.

“I swear it was the most awkward talk I’ve ever had. Worse than any interrogation…” Kensi raised her eye brows.

“Callen and Sam showed up at my place… And… umm… Basically told me to get my shit together,” he said with a small attempt at his trademark smile.

“They did?!” Kensi exclaimed and for the first moment in weeks, she felt a glimmer of hope in her chest.

Deeks came forward and grasped her hand in his good hand.

“God, Kensi, I am so sorry. I was so stupid about it… I… If you want me to leave, I’ll go,” he said, releasing her hand again when he realized that she hadn’t actually encouraged him.

Kensi felt the warmth from his hand spread through her body, mixing with the new hope she felt. But she wasn’t going to let him back into her good graces just like that. There was too much anger and disappointment still in her that needed to get out.

“How dare you? God, Deeks, you can barely decide what to eat for lunch, what made you think you could decide what’s best for me? How could you ignore me like that, for weeks? Do you know how many hours I spent awake at night? Waiting for you to finally call? And then that accident. You got into an accident because of a stupid DOG!? Then I get you back after the worst night of my life and you break up with me? Are you telling me you broke my heart because that was what ‘seemed best’?!”

Deeks looked down at the floor. He deserved her anger. But he wanted her to understand how much he regretted it.

“Kens, I swear, nothing I’ve done has ever hurt as much as hurting you… It was the worst mistake of my life and if you won’t forgive me, I understand,” he said, brokenly. “I’ll leave NCIS, you’ll never have to see me again, I… I just had to tell you the truth… You deserve someone who is open with you… Someone who makes you happy…” He turned to the door.

A hand gripped his arm. “Don’t you dare leave me,” she said, staring into his eyes. His heart began beating again. “ _You’re_ the one I want, Deeks. _You_ make me happy- when you’re not annoying the crap out of me.”

She cupped his cheek with her free hand. “I love you.”

With that, his restraint broke and he crushed her to him, lips meeting in desperation. It was familiar, but new, their confessions making it something more than it had been. She sighed in his arms, her heart already mending from his touch. He lifted her hands to his lips, kissing her beaten hands.

“We should get you cleaned up,” he said gently. “Let’s go home.”

The perfect smile he loved so dearly spread across Kensi’s face when she answered him.

“I already am.”


End file.
